Graduation

I'm less than two months from graduating from high school... Where has that time gone since I began kindergarten in 1995? Seems so long ago! I have much planning to do... from graduation itself to my party to my family moving after school lets out. Mom would have everything completely under control, but my dad has to wait until the last second. I want finalization!

Almost seven months?

Just about seven months have gone by since Mom went to be with Jesus. I wonder what she's seen, learned, done. In these past months that I havent written, much has gone on in the Howard household.
For me, PROM!!! It was a great night... tears in the morning as mom's headstone was also put up that weekend, but I was comforted by the fact that when people are driving by, they'll never miss it. My mom will be on people's minds. They wont forget her.
I also saw five of my close friends graduate (through my tears that is). This will be me graduating next year, and I will be hysterically crying as my mom would be if she was here.
I still dont understand why God took my mother home when all four of us kids still have graduations and weddings and possibly kids in our futures that we must go through with out her. Why must we go through that grief on days that are supposed to be happy? I know that God takes people out of our lives to teach us lessons and to bring someone else into our lives so that we might tell them about Him. My mom's story has touched people. I have a friend who had fallen away from Him--her whole family had, but by seeing my strength and my family's perseverence, my friend came back to Christ, and I have recently been seeing her going to my church. God works in marvelous ways, dont you think? Next time you start to question, look around at the others and ask where their faith is.

"Amazing grace how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like ME. I once was lost, but now am found; was blind but now I see!"

Do not be afraid of tomorrow; for God is already there. ~Author Unknown

How true! And if we fear for the next day aren't we doubting God? Proverbs 3:5-6"Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make you paths straight." My mom loved this verse along with Jeremiah 29:11. They were both verses that she insisted be posted on our refrigerator door. One of which is also painted on my bedroom wall. So, why is it that we fear for tomorrow? Because WE never know what's coming. God does, and He alone knows what's perfectly right for us. "My savior lives, my savior loves, my savior's always there for me." ~Aaron Shust. Through the hardships, we are to draw closer to Him, and he will be our comfort, our shelter.
~B

Praise the Lord!!!!

Well, today was my 17th birthday. One more year, and I'm a legal adult. Who else does that seem bizarre to? I'm too young for all those things!!! My momma would've been hysterical. I truly thought that this day would be much harder on me than it actually was. My mom was here in spirit, and while I wish she could've been here in the flesh as well, I know that God knows what's right for me. My Heavenly Father has my best interest in mind all the time. The thing to remember is that she's no longer suffering. She's perfect!!!! She has a new body; one void of cancer and any other diseases.

For your beauty, For your goodness, And your wisdom.. Awesome God Praise the Lord oh my soul, Praise the Lord. For your power, For your honor, And your splendor... Mighty God Praise the Lord oh my soul, Praise the Lord. And I will worship you, I will bless your name forever, I will worship you, Bless the Lord oh my soul, Bless the Lord. For your Kindness For your Favor, For your Mercy.. Gracious One Thank the Lord oh my Soul, Thank the Lord. For your fire, For your testing And your Spirit... Holy One Thank the Lord oh my Soul, Thank the Lord. For your Suffering, For your Anguish And your sorrow.. humble King, Bless the Lord oh my soul, Bless the Lord For your Victory,For your Triumph, And you'll soon come and reign over all. And I will worship you, I will bless your name forever. I will worship you, Bless the Lord oh my Soul, Bless the Lord And I will worship you, I will bless your name forever. I will worship you, Bless the Lord oh my Soul, Bless the Lord.

B

Birthday Party

My 17th birthday is a week from today, and my party was last night into today. It felt kinda weird. Normally, my mom would've been "sneaking" around "getting something from the kitchen" while actually spying on us!!! Especially since there were boys there. The other thing that was especially weird was having to go to my dad with problems between me and a friend. I've always gone to my ma. She understood that people could be vicious. My mom had troubles making friends in high school, but as her best friend said at her funeral, "I look around, and she did NOT have trouble making friends." Maybe in high school, but not after it didn't matter very much....My mom was so loved!!!
B

A Release of Pressure

Last week Thursday was somewhat odd. I couldn't focus on pretty much anything. My mind kept wandering. Each time that I realized that I wasn't focusing, my mind had ended up on my mom. I started crying a bit. Last Thursday was two days after the four month anniversary of my mom's death. I think in my subconscious, I realized that I'd forgotten. When I got home that day, I thought that I'd gotten rid of all that bottled emotion. Boy was I wrong!!!!
I got to talking to a friend of mine, and released all of my emotion on him. It was horrible!!! Those who know me know that I absolutely abhor crying and telling people my feelings. I thank that friend immensely!!!

"When no one else knows how I feel
[God's] love for me is proven real
When no one else cares where I’ve been
[He] runs to me with outstretched hands
And [He] holds me in [His] arms
Again"

Prom

Wow.... I have my high school Prom in less than two months, and designed my own dress. I just realized that had I not designed my own dress, my mom wouldnt have gotten to see it. She saw it only on paper, but she still got to see it. It's going to be specially made for me. Mom and I were going to make it together, but then she got really sick. Her and I never got to go look at swatches together. I thank God everyday that she's not suffering anymore, and I thank Him for Bonnie who is sort of another grandmother to us kids. She can sew really well and will be making my dress along with some other ladies from our church. I'm so excited, but also saddened. I wanted my mom to be here to do the mom things.... take pics, go with me to get my hair and nails done, tell me if my make up looks bad....She will be here in spirit, though. And I have plenty of people who love me and are willing to play the mom part for me. I love my family.... relatives, church, and close friends.
B